Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
