Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Randomize
