i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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