after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
