Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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