3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
