It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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