My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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