What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
