Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
