The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
