I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
