Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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