You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
she smelled like a LAN party
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
