I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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