The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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