i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
