apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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