i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
