did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
