who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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