please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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