The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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