I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
