Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Dear god my vagina.
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