I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
