dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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