Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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