That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
