I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
