hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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