I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
