saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
