when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
