I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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