My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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