She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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