Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize
