shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
