after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
