I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
