my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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