I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
