i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I smell like Dick and happiness
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
