when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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