I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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