I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
