Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
