How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
