How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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