if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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